Thursday, August 13, 2009

A touch of me unpluged---life with a mentaly ill son

Well I was not up at the crack of dawn today---I did sleep well last night,I've had a lot on my mind these days,I push all my concerns aside all day,the children really are heaven sent,as they keep me focused on a world when we all had "not a worry in the world."
I got out doors yesterday afternoon and cleaned out a flower bed that had got out of hand,My husband worked out doors also until late in the afternoon,I knew he was also concerned and at loss on what step next would be best---Some things we just do not have answers for, You see I have a son who is mentally ill, David --he has come to a point in his life where I am left with choices on how to assist him in becoming a happier person but against his will-that's right he is not going to like my choice,at lest not right away,and maybe not for a long time,then comes the worries that go along with up rooting him from the surrounding he has known sense a young boy.I can assure you the time that may be coming will be a very sad time for me as well as a relief of "some" of the stress that comes with worry ,my son is by no means a child,he will turn 29 years old this Dec.I had hopes he would be able to always live right where he is, but,he is not staying stable,and I can not figure out if he skips a dosage, I wounder if he might sleep and miss one. even play with being able to go to a place inside his head where he is in a world know as "NOT REALITY" Sometimes I think I need to go there loll---but I do know if one can as he can,then there is a chance that one day they want come back even with medication, he has had several relapses sense he was 17,which was when he first "GOT OUT THERE" I think they take a toll and maybe even determine how long he will be able to stay staple----seems he is stable a week or so (or maybe he can contain his thoughts somewhat for awhile then they spill over and he gives in to them) or maybe he is not able to know what is real and what is not. All I know for sure is; It breaks my heart so see him suffer,and it can become scary to deal with him "OUT THERE" I have done lots of research on his illness and nothing good comes from it in the end. It does always seem to get worse as a person gets older. I have pretty much been alone in dealing with him(before I married Bill-as David's brothers have worked out of state the pass 10 years),even got good at it,as I am a strong person,and can usually always manage to stay calm, lately he has made "ME" nervous being alone with him ,he gets mad at me easy now,maybe vents in a unhealthy way,he has started raising his voice,demanding and half way threats---A sign I may need to get him in a safe place with people who can deal with him because it is their job and because there if he gets out of hand----they can do what they need to help him become stable again----------I know I need power of Attorney over him to see to it that he is not over drugged,because I know he can be staple when staying on the right dosage of Medication at lest for the time being ,but now there is no way to keep him taking his right dosage if he does not want too---now If there is a shot that he can get weekly and we know he has had his medication as needed,and he is still not stable then I will have to make a very hard choice one I have no choice in, I will be talking to his Doctor about going with a shot----------- you see my son has schizophrenia! This usually always happens during early teen years,his father passed away when David was 14,David knew it was probably coming even at his young age,They was very close---David became depressed at a young age,and then it got worse,until he had a break down after his fathers death,he even attempted suicide at age 15. David has been in and out of mental hospitals sense age 15. I want to go back to his younger years often---the memories of my son as a healthy child are my most prised memories,he was such a happy baby and good child,not a mean bone in him,always the piece maker,even in later years when staple----he is very talented, SO smart. (he picked up a guitar and played it at age 12 just by ear)---he is an artiest,man he can draw anything and does a lot with ink never to erase; He was due to finish high school in May of the year he had a yet another break down at age 17. He was then diagnosed---9/11 was a time for another terrible breakdown,at that time I quite working outside the home to care for him,it had become a full time job. We have had many good days sense 9/11, but we have had many dark hours as well, God has been good,my strength comes from his. David want move,at less on his own,I fear it would be a mistake for family to take care of him now,he does not need to be alone as much as he is now,I am with him 2-3 times a week and talk on the phone with him daily,even over the phone I know when he is OFF TRACK, He has became hard to deal with.I have got to where I am not comfortable alone with him now. My son has schizophrenia!

Schizophrenia is a complex brain disorder.The illness is characterised by a breakdown of thinking and emotions, and a loss of contact with reality. Symptoms of schizophrenia vary widely but may include hallucinations, delusions, thought disorders, social withdrawal, lack of motivation and impaired thinking and memory. "Schizophrenia is not a split personality". People with schizophrenia have a high risk of suicide.


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